Roger Smith and Haylee and the Task of Finding Nemo
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: Nemo is on the loose in Alaska. Worrying that Steve would end up posessed, Roger chooses Haylee to come with him on an adventure of epic proportions. Will Roger and Haylee stop Nemo? Will they fall in love during the process? Will Waffle Man be able to stand upright? These questions and more shall soon be answered.


One day Roger was watching television.  
"I can safely say I've seen every 'Good Eats' every 'Law and Order' and every 'How I Met your Mother' three times over!  
I'm ready for a new show. A show that's inspiring to me!" said Roger. Roger flipped to the local station, and saw a cute  
cartoon show with vibrant colors.  
"Hey, Steve, come watch Crazy Cat People Fairy Tale Theatre, it's the hottest show on TV" yelled Roger. Steve hesitantly  
entered the living room. He sat down on the couch, slowly and reluctantly.  
"This doesn't look like a fairy tale show," protested Steve. "This is the news" he added.  
"You're right, Steve. This live news broadcast interrupted the greatest show on television. But at least it has fairies in it!" said  
Roger, referring to Greg and Terry.

"Today we take a trip across America," said Greg. "In downtown Juneau, Alaska a strange baby has reportedly been  
causing traffic jams, tearing down street lights, and generally being a nuissance!" he added.  
"A five hundred million dollar reward will be availible to anyone who can locate this strangely adorable menace. In  
addition, an Amber Alert has been issued by Senator Sarah Palin" said Terry.  
"Here is the picture of the boy. He sure is a little angel!" said Greg.

A picture of the boy was displayed on screen.  
"Steve, do you realize who that is?" asked Roger, pointing at the TV with his index finger.  
"No. I was just texting my new girlfriend. Who is it?" asked Steve.  
"That's Nemo! We've gotta fly to Alaska and stop him right now" suggested Roger.  
"Oh, no, I'm not going near that kid again. He turned me into a freak" said Steve.  
"You're already a freak, you crazy asshole, but ya do have a point. I guess I'll just watch TV then!" said Roger. Roger  
began flipping channels. Suddenly, he noticed that the picture of the baby was frozen onto the screen.  
"The little bastard is on every channel," yelled Roger, tossing the TV remote down to the floor.  
"I live to serve thee, oh prince of the sulfery void" said Steve, as he became hypnotized. He began attempting to kill  
Roger.  
"OW, stop biting me. Haylee come restrain your brother using the same modus oparandi you always use on him" said  
Roger. Haylee came downstairs, put on gloves, picked up Steve, opened up the living room window, and tossed him  
outside into the bushes. He tried to get back inside. Then Haylee opened up the window, doused Steve with holy water,  
and shut it.  
"Why was Steve acting like that? Has he been posessed by the devil again?" asked Haylee.  
"Yeah. This weird kid has taken over. He's on every channel" said Roger.  
"No he isn't!" said Haylee, flipping to QVC.  
"Oh thank God Haylee, there's still QVC, it's not the end of the world after all!" said Roger, kissing Haylee's hands.  
"There's more than that. Aliens always cause weird things to show up on TV" said Haylee. She began flipping channels, showing all the normal broadcasts, football,cartoons, weather, fishing.

"Oh, well, what a surprise, whaddya know I guess that was all just me. But Haylee, Nemo is running loose in Alaska" said  
Roger.

"Where did you hear that?" asked Haylee.  
"The local news. It can't possibly be fake" said Roger.  
"Oh my god that's so true!" said Haylee.  
"You and me Hayleekins, let's fly to Alaska, Steve can't go!" said Roger.  
"I refuse to go anywhere with you. I have a paper to write about how paper damages the enviornment!" said Haylee.  
"Well look, Haylee, Nemo is YOUR baby, so he's your responsibility. This is your fault! If you don't fly with me to Alaska, I'll  
call the authorities on you" said Roger.  
"That, my dear Roger, is blackmail" said Haylee.  
"No shit, Sherlock. Come on let's go to Alaska to stop Nemo" said Roger.  
"Hold it, Nemo? He's my BABY!" said Haylee, sobbing loudly.  
"Yeah, exactly Haylee. He's your baybeeee!" said Roger, touching Haylee's nose.  
"Get your creepy long finger off of my face!" protested Haylee.  
"But you're my precious snowflake, Hayleekins!" said Roger. "And if it's the apocalypse I'm gonna need a girlfriend," he added with a playful cocky smirk.

With that, Haylee and Roger fled to the Airport, and caught a plane to the capital city of Alaska.

While on the plane...

"Haylee, did ya pack your best superhero costume?" asked Roger.  
"Um, no!" replied Haylee.  
"Well, why not?" asked Roger.  
"Because this is a serious matter, it isn't a joke. I care too much about Nemo to be thinking about cosplay" said Haylee.  
"Oh, I get it. You'd rather be baddies. We can be the Joker and Harley Quinn" said Roger, sipping Pepsi.  
"NO! You're not my boyfriend" yelled Haylee.  
"Haylee, there's a man on the wing of this plane!" said Roger.  
"You're hardly any different than Steve" protested Haylee.

"Oh, so you're saying we're like Luke Skywalker and Leia, then!" suggested Roger. Haylee was now very confused.

"You are so twisted!" said Haylee.

"Don't blame me, blame the author of this god forsaken story! Still waiting on him to write that Luke and Leia fic, but he just won't do it!" replied Roger.

THEY ARRIVED...  
in the capital city of Alaska...

"Okay, Haylee, now be alert. Be very very alert. Be very very very very alert!" said Roger.  
"Chillax Roger, we're just looking for a baby. We'll just put up flyers" said Haylee, distributing flyers to people, and taping  
some to telephone poles.  
"Haylee, do you have any memory at all? That little baby was a menace. He was also the reason Steve was acting like  
a dyslexic Hebrew Spider Man" said Roger.  
"Dyslexic hebrew spider man, yeah I like that. Listen Roger, Steve was just acting that way because he's a little twirp. And  
I need to keep him in line sometimes, by spraying him with holy water" explained Haylee.  
"Yeah. Those little brothers. Peh, such pests" said Roger.  
"How would you know?" asked Haylee, folding her arms in discontentment.  
"I wouldn't know. I'm just trying to be on your side, cuz I totally have a crush on you" said Roger.  
"Is that what this whole trip was about?" asked Haylee.  
"No, sorta, kinda, yes. But it's also for the good of the free world. But don't hurt Nemo, we have to allow biblical  
prophecy to come true so that God won't kill us" said Roger.  
"Biblical prophecy? Are you nuts?" yelled Haylee.  
"Haylee, Nemo is the Antichrist where have you been? Funny, cuz I used to think I was the antichrist. But, that was a long,  
long time ago. And Hayleekins, we need to clean up this city!" said Roger, donning a superhero costume.  
"What is that hideous costume?" shrieked Haylee in horror.  
"Check it out funky soul sister, I'm Waffle Man, and I love to rock n' roll!" said Roger in a giant waffle costume.  
"Isn't it a little bit hard to maneuver around in that thing? It's like ten times your size, and it looks itchy" said Haylee.  
"Oh, yeah, it's itchy, its definately itchy Haylee, but totally worth it believe me. You need to think about getting yourself a  
costume, or you'll have to wear the one I made for you!" said Roger.  
"What's the one you made for me?" asked Haylee.  
"You're my gorgeous sidekick Strawberry Jam Lady, you help get us out of jams!" said Roger, putting a jelly jar costume  
onto Haylee. He then began applying lipstick to her lips.  
"There, perfect. Let's go clean up crime and find Nemo! And some good soul sister music!" said Roger.  
"This must just be a dream," said Haylee. "Or a really desperate attempt at fanfiction" she added.

"I hope the stores here sell Baconberry Pirate Peg Leg Cola in those little cans that I like to stare at while thinking about Badmitten" said Roger.

Later, Roger had just prevented a traffic jam, using giant spoons that came out of his costume.  
"Retractable spoons, coming through!" said Roger. The spoons that came out of his costume destroyed the cars, but  
they prevented them from colliding with one another.  
"Roger, those spoons are causing more harm than help" said Haylee.  
"Yeah, I know I know" said Roger, polishing his fingernails.  
"Don't you find it a bit odd that so many traffic jams are happening at once?" asked Haylee.  
"Ya think its the new Swine Flu?" asked Roger.  
"No, I mean, there must be a culprit!" said Haylee. Suddenly, they saw Nemo, directing traffic with his hands, laughing  
wickedly.  
"Wait, I know this. It's gotta be cuz of global warming. Or me and my people! The two most primary causes of everything!" said Roger, confused.  
"Close, but no cigar," said a looney voice in the distance. "Hey, suckers, I just love to cause chaos. Once all the cars  
crash and everyone dies, they'll look to me as their lord and savior" said Nemo.  
"What makes you think that?" asked Roger.  
"Hahaaa, I have absoloutely no idea at all. I'm just a stark raving loon!" said Nemo, laughing.  
"This looks like a job for Waffle Man, and Strawberry Jam Lady!" said Roger.  
"NEMO! Stop that now, you're my child" said Haylee.  
"No I'm not Haylee. I'm the child of Mister and Mrs Satan" said Nemo. After hearing this, Haylee fainted in Roger's arms.  
"A kiss will wake you up!" said Roger, kissing Haylee on the lips. "Mmm, strawberry!" said Roger.  
"Still no wakey? We need to get you to a motel!"

Later...at a Super 8

"Roger, I just had this great dream about making out with Jeff" said Haylee.  
"That's funny, I had a similar dream, only I was making out with Strawberry Jam Lady" said Roger.  
"We will discuss this later," said Haylee, going into the bathroom to change.

The next day, Roger and Haylee watch the news:

"Check it out Strawberry Jam princess, we're gonna be on television, the famous husband and wife superhero team!"  
said Roger.  
"We're not husband and wife. I'm engaged to Jeff" said Haylee.  
"Not for long," said Roger, removing a ring from Haylee's finger.  
"I ordered vegetarian pizza, just for you!" said Roger. "And Bambi's Pet Racoon off of pay-per-view!" added Roger.  
"OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU!" said Haylee, hugging Roger. But their hug was interrupted by a broadcast:

"An insane baby is attempting to flood Alaska by melting the snow on the mountains with a flame thrower!" said the  
reporter. "He has a hideout that is made entirely of ice! Officials have not been able to reach it sucessfully! Nemo was last seen heading towards his ice fortress, directly below Makeout Point!"

"No way would Nemo do this!" said Haylee.  
"I blame Senator Blunt Kerry! It must be his fault or my name isn't Roger Craig Daniels Smith" said Roger.  
"Wait, why do you blame Blunt Kerry?" asked Haylee.  
"I dunno! You're right, that was totally unfair, I love Blunt Kerry" said Roger.  
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Who's Blunt Kerry anyway?" screamed Haylee.  
"He wanted to cancel the Baconberry Bowl and run ads for his fat free pastrami campaign all day on ESPN!" said Roger.  
"The baconberry bowl?" asked Haylee. "Are you talking about your home planet again?" she asked in an inquisitive tone.  
"Yes," replied Roger. "By the way, I bought us an Aston Martin car, it cost us everything on your card!" said Roger.  
"YOU WHAT? I'll kill you!" said Haylee, strangling Roger.

"Shut up bitch, I'm not into being strangled as much as I used to be, we gotta go to Makeout Point" said Roger, struggling to breath.

Later, at Makeout Point:

"Oh gawd, I'm about to gag, everyone's going at it here, public kissing and sexuality in general is a sin, Antichrist Nemo must be causing this" suggested Roger.

"What? Sexuality is how we all got here, Roger!" said Haylee.

"Yeah, exactly, Planet Earth is hell, hello? Let's make out right now who am I kidding?" said Roger.

while Roger and Haylee kissed...

NEMO ESCAPED!

Later...

Haylee and Roger invade the ice fortress, in their car. There, sitting on a throne was Nemo.  
"Hello, idiots. You're just in time for my big plan. To leave Earth and take over a different world instead," said Nemo,  
pushing a switch and activating a swirling portal. Roger watched the swirling portal in awe.  
"Portals. I love em. IT's like I'm having a seizure all over again" said Roger.  
"Shut up Roger, let's chase Nemo into the portal!" said Haylee. Nemo leaped into the portal, while activating a  
snowball. The snowball fell down from the ceiling and barely missed Roger and Haylee, along with several stalactites.

AFTER STEPPING INTO THE PORTAL...

Roger and Haylee find themselves in an unusual world!

"Look Haylee, we're not in Alaska anymore! AAAH!" said Roger, slipping and falling from his oversized Waffle Man costume.  
"No, we're in some bright cheery cartoon world. That's nice!" said Haylee, smiling.  
"Sure is, bitch. I'm gonna go look for some shelter!" said Roger, entering a cave.  
"HEY! This is Cat People Fairy Tale Land, I swear. Just like my TV show. Haylee come look, there's two cat people in here!"  
said Roger. Haylee entered the cave.

There, in the cave, were two young cute and pretty cat-girls, dressed in witch outfits. Rallassa was orange, Bloomeelia was  
grayish white.  
"I'm Bloomeelia, the Cretin Banishing Cat Sorceress" said one girl.  
"I'm Rallassa, her sidekick, who makes magically infused donuts that you never gain weight on!" said Rallassa.  
"Hi, nice to meet you two, I'm Roger Smith!" said Roger. "And this is my ex-girlfriend Haylee," he added.  
"Hold it, ex-girlfriend? You're already dumping me?" said Haylee.

"Our land is under assault by this weird baby named Nemo!" said Bloomeelia. "According to the prophecy, you two are  
the ones to stop him, an alcoholic alien and a hippy princess"  
"Hey, I am NOT a drunk," said Roger. "Hell, I'd like to think all six of us could stop him!" said Roger, drinking some wine.  
"There's four of us!" said Bloomeelia, folding her arms, her eye-lids half shut.  
"Ohhhh, I see, so this is gonna be like the Wizard of Oz" said Roger.  
"Sorta," said Rallassa. "I'll be busting up evil robots with my axe!" said the cat girl, polishing and sharpening her axe.

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin finds the portal...

"I'll catch Nemo before anyone else does! And paddle him till the Ruskies notice!" said Sarah.

To be continued...


End file.
